Trusting Your Heart And The Gifts God Has Placed In It

Forewarning: I've had this blog titled "Damn Blog" all week because it's been SO hard to write. I've struggled with putting this into words but I'm determined to get this out of me...even if it sounds trite. I've been avoiding it for days, so let's just swallow the medicine and get this over with.  

This week I found myself in the middle of a completely unexpected conversation. I have the propensity of frequently walking straight into them without even glancing for oncoming traffic. Can anyone else identify with me? Every thing is just fine and then all of a sudden you're looking around like a Talking Heads song and thinking, "How did I get here?" That was me. One minute it was small talk and then I was asked a really personal question. Those things tend to happen when you get divorced. People are curious and for the most part I am always obliged to answer, but this question was different. It hit such a nerve that I instantly found myself in an internal struggle: Do I keep this shallow and skim the surface or do I bare my soul? Anyone who knows me well, knows my final decision. For me, small talk isn't an option; it's torture. And if someone asks me a question, I will be as transparent as I can.  It's one of those innate traits God has placed in my heart and try as I may, I can't find a way to get rid of it. We all know Psalm 139:13. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I love that verse when talking about babies that have been prayed for and pregnancies that were struggles, but it makes me squirm when I think about it in regards to my own self. You see, I've really struggled lately with the gifts God put in my heart when he was stitching it closed. They are sewn up tight in my very soul and I've longed to loosen the thread and pull them out, but I just can't seem to figure out how. I am, by nature, three things.

1. Transparent
                           2. Honest
                                             And...
                                                       3. Trusting to a fault

The last one has really kicked my butt over the past year. It has been my struggle. Even in the face of precious friends who were telling me their worries, I continued to trust when I shouldn't have. And now I am left feeling a bit betrayed by my own heart. That's such a strange feeling. It's rendered me a bit wary. Any innocuous thought and I begin second guessing myself. I'm not really use to that. I'm trying to figure out how to trust myself again and learn from my past mistakes. And in all this, one question keeps coming to mind: 

What do we do when our God given gifts end up getting us hurt? 

We have all had it happen. You do something meant for good and end up getting bad in return. It's not a fun feeling and it comes in many forms. If you are a giver and someone selfishly takes, what do you do? If you bear burdens for others but feel abandoned, how do you reconcile that? If you are a good friend and you are betrayed, how do you recover? If you blindly trust and are made a fool, what do you make of the experience? It makes you question if you should be so vulnerable again and risk the pain. Should you? As much as I'm working through this myself, the answer is Absolutely.  And here's what I'm coming to realize is needed in order to work this out in the every day: 

1. Realize It Wasn't the Gift that Hurt You: 

All the gifts that God has put in us are beautiful and precious. We can't blame them or ourselves for the betrayal. We live in a fallen world and we must learn to thrive in it. Turning on the inner most parts of our spirit isn't the answer. Every good gift is from God and they are meant to be embraced.

2. Pray for Discernment: 

This one is easy. If you've been hurt by your sincere, godly actions, pray for God to give you wisdom. Wisdom is needed to see when and where to use the talents you've been entrusted with. It's not always easy, but it can be easier when we ask for divine guidance. 

3. Learn From Your Mistakes: 

He gave us a memory for a reason. If we don't learn from past experiences, we will be certain to repeat them.

4. Keep Doing What God has Put in Your Heart: 

Regardless of your trepidation, keep moving forward. Never stop pursuing what your heart longs to do. If you stop, you will only hurt yourself. Whatever the fears may be, push through them. Ultimately, that will bring you the most joy and God will bless your obedience. 

5. And If You See Your Gift in Someone You Love....

Rejoice! Ugh. This is THE HARDEST one for me. My daughter has the sweetest heart I've ever seen. She trusts more sincerely than even I do and she is always trying to help. Last week, I watched her spend her time at a birthday party making sandwiches for the band. I wasn't filled with pride. I winced because it was something I would do. I struggled with not wanting her to be like me and my heart still feels this way. I can't get it to jump on board with what I know to be true in my head. I'm still in process because I've given a lot and have struggled over the past year of realizing it wasn't accepted the way I wished. That is just wrong thinking. Regardless of how I feel, I'm determined to do the right thing. Instead of wanting to change her, I am dutifully bound to guide her. If she is going to be a trusting person with a servant's heart, I will teach her to pray before acting and trust with discernment. I will teach her to use her gifts the way God desires...and I will learn to do the same. Most of all, I will (above all else) trust in the one who has created me. We should all be so lucky to use the gifts God has given us, even if that's a bit scary. 

It's hard. None of this is easy for me. To be in constant conflict of myself isn't the most fun, but I am working towards the goal. I refuse to let fear change my heart. I can only learn, grown and trust in the one who has given me a big heart. And for now...that's all I can do.