She Told My Secret: Recognizing Safe Friends, Letting the Mean Girls Go and Teaching Our Girls to do the Same

It's hard to believe it's been almost twenty years since I was a freshman in college. I'm not even sure where the time has gone, but here I am staring down the barrel of my 38th birthday. I remember my freshman year as if it were yesterday. My roommate and I shared a dorm room no bigger than a standard walk-in closet. It was tiny and cramped, but I had never felt so much space and freedom in my entire life. I was one of those proverbial "late bloomers" who never dated in high school. I wanted nothing more than to go off to college, spread my wings and fall in love. And I did. It was everything I'd hoped it would be. There were moments so wondrous, I can't even begin to explain them, and yet it wasn't the best part of my college experience by far. I remember meeting girls who chased nothing but the affection of boys. They craved pillow talk and romance and I'm certain they missed the most amazing thing about that brief time in our lives. Oh, I got my pillow talk, but it was literal. It was the late night talks with my roommate as we fell asleep in the early hours of the morning. There is something magical about two girls sharing their secrets in the dead of night. Lying on those two twin beds, only four feet apart, we talked about everything imaginable. There was no topic of conversation we shied away from. 

Over a span of four years, I was blessed to become inseparable best friends with four amazing girls. They were my rock and they knew everything about me. There was no secret they didn't keep, and I, the same for them. We went through everything together. We found love and lost it. We found love, again. We cried tears of laughter and tears of such sorrow it's hard to want to remember it. We borrowed each others clothes and gave advice before big dates. We learned what it was like to be responsible and trepidly navigated the world of adulthood together. We have inside jokes that no one will ever understand and that's completely fine with us. I'm still friends with these four, precious girls. Some of them live ten minutes away, while others live halfway across the country. Wherever they are, know that a part of my heart is with them because they hold it within their own. 

Although I've made truly amazing friends since leaving those beloved days, it will never be the same as the ones that saw me through those four years. It will always be a different kind of depth that can't be attained in the fast paced, child-focused lives we speed through now. It's just a different season that brings different joys and that's okay. That's why childhood friendships are so incomparable. That's why time can pass and it seems like nothing has changed between us. It's a bond that has many layers and depths that no longer exist in our lives. We've changed and so has the ability to connect on such a vulnerable level. That's not to say I haven't made amazing friends as an adult. I certainly have, but I think we can all agree that childhood friends are just different. 

Last year my daughter Chloe reached two milestones within weeks of one another. She had her first real crush on a boy and her first betrayal by a friend who told that boy that Chloe like him. My sweet girl experienced her first mean, unsafe girl. The story she had told didn't hint of an accidental slip of the tongue. It was deliberate and I knew it, yet I found myself telling her to forgive and forget. After all, people (especially children)  make mistakes and it is our job to forgive. I encouraged her to let it go and remain friends. My child, who is seldom bold, looked straight at me and said, "No. She didn't keep my secret." The words hit me in the stomach like a fist and my initial reaction was to protest, but then I stopped and thought for a minute. Exactly what was I asking my daughter to do? Why was I asking her to remain friends with an unsafe girl? Had I not learned anything in college? My friends are still toting secrets of mine from almost twenty years ago and I lose no sleep at night worrying if they are going to accidentally tell someone! My child deserved better than a girl who didn't hold tight to information Chloe considered precious. This hadn't been the first story of betrayal from the same girl. The others had been much smaller, but they had still happened. It occurred to me that I was trying to get my daughter to  "make nice" when I needed to encourage her to be bold and demand more of her friends. She deserved better. 

Now, I really want you to hear me on this. I know children are still learning how to be friends. They are growing up and part of that process is making mistakes. I get that. But as Maya Angelou said, "When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I want more for my daughter than rough years of trying to decipher mean girl behavior. She is wise beyond her years and if she's realized to slough off unsafe friends and keep striving for the friendships she knows she deserves, then I should encourage that. She is a good friend. She is a safe friend. She deserves the same in return. But there are so many girls who just don't get this. They stay in friendships that aren't safe and continually don't understand what should be  expected of their most valuable relationships. To me, there are four simple things a friend will always do, and if they don't do them, they are not a true, safe friend. 


1. A True Friend Will Always Tell you the Truth

My best friend Jamie doesn't shy away from telling me how it is. Sometimes, I wish she'd coddle me a bit more, but I always know I will get the truth from her. Last week, I found myself in a shouting match with her on the phone because she told me how wrong I was in taking a (now somewhat famous) red shirt from my soon to be ex's house. Yes. I'm not always proud of my behavior, but as I've stated before: this blog, if not anything, will be honest. In the end, she was right and I knew I had to be the bigger person and return it. She didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. She spoke truth into my aching heart and even though I didn't want to hear it, I listened. A true friend not only tells you the truth, but screams it until you hear. 

2. A True Friend Always Listens

Even if it's to tell you you're wrong, a friend will hear you out. My best friend Shelley has a gift when it comes to a listening ear. She has such a quiet, sincere spirit and I know she will always listen without judgment. In college, and even today, I've always known I could tell her anything and she would not only hear me out, but try and help me solve my problem.

3. A True Friend Always Builds You Up and Never Tears You Down

My friend Kara has been an encourager since the first day I met her. I've never known anyone who can look at the bright side of even the murkiest situations. I adore her for always seeing the positive in me, even when there's not a lot of positive to see. She has always encouraged, while speaking truth in a way that doesn't tear down. She always points her friends towards their best and encourages them to be everything she believes them to be.

4. A True Friend Always Want the Best for You

Shari, the roommate I spoke of earlier, has always wanted the best for me. Sometimes it was at midnight when she refused to let me walk to my car alone and sometimes it was at a party she dragged me out of because she realized we had no business being there. Wanting the best for a friend sometimes means standing your ground and not letting them do something you know isn't good for them. And if they are a true friend, even if they get mad, they will listen to you. 

Almost a year ago, I sat on the back porch of my best friend Shari's house and cried for everything I was losing. I had just left my husband and reconciliation was nowhere on the horizon. She let me drink wine, look at college scrapbooks and just cry my eyes out. I didn't have words, only tears. I didn't know how to explain everything that I felt, but I knew she understood. I will never forget her looking at me and simply saying, "I just want what's best for you." I knew she meant it. 

And so I sit here pondering how lucky I am to have met such amazing girls during a time I thought was only going to be about boys. It's so funny how life works out. Twenty years later and I somehow missed one of the most important lessons I could teach my daughter. Blessed with amazing friends, and she's the one who had to remind me of how important it is to choose your friends wisely. We spend so much time teaching our girls how to date and what they should and shouldn't expect from a man, but we seldom stop and tell them what to expect from a friend. 

Sweet, precious young girls - you deserve so much more than a bad friend. There are so many people in this world; don't waste your time on the wrong ones. Do not settle for a convenient friend. Do not be foolish enough to be content with someone who tickles your ears. Never choose someone who runs too fast or flies too high. They may seem shiny and new, but they will burn out and take you with them if you are not careful. The book of Isaiah says, Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it.” God has placed a still, small voice within you for your own protection. Listen to it. Heed it. Choose friends who are like-minded. Girls who will build you up and not tear you down. Girls who will lead you towards good things and away from bad. These are the girls worthy of hearing your secrets, because these are the girls who will keep them safe. Choose wisely, be a good friend and tackle this messy world together.