So here it is. For months now I've been struggling and today in church, I almost capsized. It was the perfect storm and I sailed directly into it. Maybe it was this weekend and the garbage it produced, or maybe it was the fact that my daughter was having a clingy moment in "big church" with me instead of downstairs in her youth group. MAYBE it was the fact that it was baptismal day (I always cry, even when complete strangers get baptized), or it could have been because they played a beautiful version of I Surrender All. There were too many factors to blame just one, but as I've said, I found myself in a storm. For a while there, I honestly thought I was holding it together, but the speaker at the end was the coup de grace. The current series at my church is called "Selfie" and part of the sermon involved social media and how we try so hard to portray perfect lives. The speaker asked, "What is hiding behind those perfect selfie smiles?" This is not a new question; we've all wondered the same thing while scrolling through Instagram and Facebook. Sometimes it's a way to feel okay about someone's 3rd trip to Disney in one summer while we are home-bound for the duration of June through August. While other times it's out of genuine concern when we know a back story. Regardless of the source of wondering, we often find ourselves comparing the hidden, worst parts of ours lives to everyone else's best facade. Ahhhhh...it's what we all do and we do it so well. We compare our worst to someone's best. But today, listening to the speaker, I was overwhelmed with conviction. I have tried for too long to keep up appearances. It's been exhausting and ridiculously unfair. In that moment I decided I was done with being that girl. Done.
Because here's the truth: In two weeks, my divorce to my husband of 13 years will be finalized. It's been an 8 month process and that statement still sounds surreal when I say it. Nonetheless, it is what it is. This hasn't been the greatest year and I have tried to carry myself through it with as much grace as I could muster. I've had THE MOST amazing support group. My friends and family have championed around me in ways I can only describe as lifesaving. I am beyond grateful. I have tried for months not to let this "leak" on Facebook because I was so scared of how it would look. I was so frightened at the idea of looking imperfect and let's face it, no one wants to "air their dirty laundry." It makes you look a little crazy. I get that. I don't feel like doing it either, but I don't want to continue trying to act like everything is perfect. So, here's my decree. I'm going to take the next 12 months and figure this all out. It's a new journey, but I'm done tiptoeing in hopes to stay hidden. I don't believe anyone's ever completely blameless in any circumstance, but I did nothing to warrant where I've found myself. And I'm tired of skirting around that as well. I am not going to slink to a shadowy corner and hope no one sees me. This is my life. It's messy and emotional and I'm treading on ground I never imagined I would walk upon. So on this journey, I'm going to celebrate it all, the pretty and the ugly. I'm no longer going to contribute to someone else's struggle because I'm running in circles trying to get the perfect selfie and post the best, most flattering shot. I'm just going to be myself. It's a simple statement, but there is so much power in just accepting who you are and where you're at in life. I'm determined to believe myself when I say, "this is going to be fun!" Warts, feathers and all - you're about to see them.
